I was sent down a spiral of some sort of identity crisis as I entered the beginning of the winter break. I don’t know what exactly caused it, perhaps it was the realization that I was 25, halfway done with my twenties. Maybe it was me thinking about how I am halfway through my time here on campus, and the time and resources I have at my availability is limited and isn’t made to last forever. Perhaps it was the result of the end of a busy and stressful semester. Or it could have been induced by the end of the calendar year. Maybe it was all of these things, maybe it was none of these things. I cut my own hair as I frantically grasped at some sense of control, becoming slightly disappointed when it turned out actually good. I was disgusted at my life of inaction, at how I was using fear as a sail to guide me through life. I was frantic about changing the course my life was heading, knowing I was not happy with it and not sparking change would only result in more contempt towards myself down the line.
As I returned home for the holidays, I exploded my mind onto the sheets of notebook paper, writing more than I ever have before in my life. I was still performing hypnotic digital rituals that I did not want to partake in, rituals that I have been desperately trying to shed for years. Even after my trials of structural experimentation, ditching the smart phone for a flip phone, dismembering my laptop to force myself to only use the publicly accessible computers at my university, I was still resorting back to my unconscious path of least resistance. Fastly accessible information, instant gratification, adjourning boredom. I have had the lingering hope or belief that my dose of tribulations that I put myself through regarding technology, it would cure myself out of the incessant desire I have towards the internet. That through those experiences, I would come out fully understanding that I can go through life without constantly attending to satisfy those desires I have. That it would be easier, that denying the internet would be as easy as it were to partake. But obviously, I know it is not. I know the reason why it has been so difficult for me to shed this part of my life is because it is so enjoyable, and entertaining, and is so effective in distracting myself from the truths of adult life that I so desperately want to deny. The digital world offers so much more stimulation than the real world could ever offer, so change will never be a simple one. What matters to me? What do I want to get out of my time spent here?
The life of instant gratification for content and social needs is not the life I want to live. I have identified this for years now, yet I still find myself passively feeding the cycle that keeps me stuck. I find shame in sharing my desperate attempts to scrub this aspect from my life. The great lengths I take to act on my word to remove it from my life and inevitably succumbing to the urges. I find myself avoiding the work required for discipline, seeking shortcuts for the work and effort that is required. My shame is formed in the gap between the separation from the life you want to live to the life you actually live. I need to trust myself and trust the values I hold. I must remind myself that the person I wish to be is not an idealized version of myself, pinning unrealistic expectations for me to follow and becoming inevitably discouraged when I fail to meet up with them, forcing the cycle to start before it even had a chance to begin. It is not the perfect life I wish to live, rather to live more in accordance with who I am. I know I will stumble; I know I will fall; I know that this lesson will inevitably be relearned. In part, that is what I wish to live. The human life, not one that is perfectly crafted and showcased. To experience all there is to experience, the toil, the discipline, the conscious effort, the relief, the reward. Escapism will never feel rewarding when it is all that you do, it will only feel rewarding when there is something to escape from.
So, what is it I want out of this life? What is it that I want out of my time here? I will eventually reach the station, there is no avoiding it. How do I want to spend my time before I get there?
It is always one step at a time, no sense in getting wrapped up in goals that are far beyond where I am right now. For now, I am going to concentrate on how I want to spend my upcoming semester. I wish to experiment with play, play in the sense of experimenting with how I spend my time. Not seeking the most efficient or productive use of time but rather exploring different alternative ways to live. To explore the different cars within the train. The exploration is not a search for me to be the best version of myself, but rather to find enjoyment in providing variety in the way I think and act and behave. My time at university, or on the planet, is limited. When I was leaving my mom’s and heading back towards break, I had an underlying feeling of sadness. How I didn’t fully appreciate my time there, how I was deeply prioritizing the best way to make use of my time away from my natural environment. How I felt like I missed out on experiences as I was deep in my tunnel vision, prioritizing productivity over exploration. I didn’t take the opportunity to explore the relationship with my mother or explore different aspects of my childhood that were in bins and storage. That perhaps these regrets are a part of life, to live is to have regrets. That there is no one best way, that there is always going to be some part of my brain that will wish I had done something alternatively. I cannot walk through two sets of doors while only having one pair of legs. There will always be clashing thoughts on which door to choose, but I must make a conscious decision with what door to choose and to understand that I used my best judgement for that decision. My current judgement that I am using to guide me is the understanding that there is not a best way to go about life, or this semester, but rather a way that I wanted to play with. I wish to use office hours for more of my classes, specifically the office hours of my philosophy class, as I have yet to take advantage of that benefit. Last semester, I played with removing my computer from my life for a month, this semester I wish to keep my computer and play with pomodoro method. I wish to play with my morning routine, by creating a ritual of morning mindfulness. Morning walks, yoga, meditation. I wish to incorporate slowness more into my life. Slow consumption, slow learning, slow mornings. To understand that the performance of play is not to find the best way to navigate life, but rather for the enjoyment that experimenting with different aspects of my life brings me. Play should be fun, not finding the best combination of traits that make navigating the game easier. I am the one who knows how I want to play the game, which bears repeating: what do I want out of it?
