longer thoughts that don't fit with the flow of the scattered thoughts

9/16/25 in the reading room at main library

i've been struggling to find some outlet for whats been on my mind lately. i want to make some use of the time i still have left on a college campus, with tools and a dense population of individuals my age. i think a zine of some kind could be cool, just how to make it not uber-pretentious and not out me is the real thing to figure out. it would be a fun little project, artistic.
i am feeling sad again. it seems just like an ever presence sadness and bleakness, a normality where the abnormality is the small moments where i am able to find some peace. i don't feel fit for the digital world that i live in. i am an outsider who gets shunned and gawked for the ways i decide how to live. knowing how this world will only continue to evolve only continues to fill some pit of despair. i feel like in most instances where you don't feel like you fit in, there are ways and avenues you can pursue
it's easy to say it isn't my problem that everyone acts this way, that its their life and they are their own individuals that can operate how they want. and its true, i can't, and i continue to struggle to understand and find comfort in that reality. but the only solace i have been able to find over the years is through the other, and how the digital world creates this world of disconnection. i hate how pessimistic & critical i have become when i look around campus now. how i notice everyone looking down on their phones as they walk around. walking in front of cars without even looking up, expecting the vehicle to obey pedestrian walkways. what an empty existince it would be, for it to be ended without locking eyes of the soul that takes out, engrossed in a world that doesn't even exist. we have a beautiful and wonderful and real existince and no one notices. and it feels so lonely and so selfish to bring it up. but i cant shake that feeling, i cant shake the idea that it matters.
i feel ashamed to admit all of this, like a superiority complex is emerging. these things have been addressed time and time again, i am no way the first or bring attention to any new idea. i think i am just outdated in this college campus. things have been increasingly speeding up while i've stepped aside. who am i to be a critic. but at the same time, this is the group i will have to work alongside for my future. i dunno, it's been on my mind for awhile though.

10-1 journal entry

i have discussed how the internet (or specifically SM) warps your view of existing more by seeking fame, validation, etc., in order to exist more. but lately i've been considering how using the internet to pass the time allows you to do so in the same way. i feel this is why the addiction towards the internet is so effective, and why staying off is so hard to sustain. emotions is what makes life valuable, emotions is the spice and seasoning we sprinkle on. therefore, with a tool so effective at delivering emotions, we think pleasure as the main one but anger and fear is important to consider as well, we get sucked towards mining for these emotions, becoming numb in the process. Experience emotions as much as possible, fit as much as you can during the day, everyday, before you die. more emotions experienced means more life lived, theoretically.

But it's untrue, feasting on emotions experienced digitally is worthless. they are emotional facades, it is nonnutritive, you will retain no memories from it. Experiences in real life is what delivers true emotions, those emotions get tied with memories. smelling a piece of clothing from a loved one and be able to re-experience the emotions you associate with their scent. you work hard all day on something you are passionate about, with an aching body and dried sweat, you experience a wave of relief as emotions of pride and accomplishment rush over you. the view will always appear better after you hiked 10 miles to the viewpoint, rather than driving your car to the lookout point. these are the valuable spices, these are the ones that stay with you.

i have a feeling death and lack of religion (specifically a belief system), or a hopeful future, might be a cause for this need to cram as much as possible.

what i keep coming back to

i feel like i'm actively trying to solve some problem when using the internet. like i;m trying to crack some code that will cause an a-ha moment and never desire to go back again. but i've already figured it out. perhaps the answer being so simple allows me to be dissatisfied with the answer? that the computer, and internet, allow you to abstain from the feeling of sensations. from the feels of being a human. that like any drug, it solves some problem. yes me being online prevents me from feeling anxiety from the real world. yes an online life much more comfortable than having a real life. but it's not enjoyable. path of least resistance does not equate to meeting our needs. companies have just hijacked that evolutionary trait and used it against us. creating everything easier and easier, allowing us to to get more free time to complete more tiny tasks.

i feel like i'm just typing the same message over and over, revisiting the same central idea. but its for a reason, this is all i get. when i was camping for that first night, i was at unease because i had no stimulation. i was at unease because i saw, face to face, that this is all that was real. just this, and death. 'this' being the present moment, the present moment being a camp site right at a gorgeous lake. i remember being so anxious and full of dread. i wrote it off as homesickness, but i dont think it hits that quickly. i never had homesickness when i was across the country for 6 months..

and thats why i still chase some other answer. the answer i keep coming back to makes me feel uncomfortable. all that i have is the present moment. when you are fed fast food and sugar all day everyday, of course the first day of eating real food is gonna feel awful. and bleak. and depressing. but that salad is never gonna taste as good as a burger. water will never fire off the same brain chemicals as a can of soda would. but you keep eating healthily because it feels good. you push through the bleakness at first because you know, based on how you feel, that it is better for you. it is so easy to get addicted at finding the perfect diet, addicted to exercising, addicted to whatever. but so long as you are eating shit food, you will feel like shit. and your body will respond to it. the internet is no different, i consume shit and i will feel like shit. i am addicted at finding some other solution that will prevent me from coming to the uncomfortable truth of reality, the reality i already know but i keep digging a deeper hole searching for another way out.

there is no other way out friend, this is all you have. this is all you ever need to have. your breath, your touch, the environment around you. the community you are apart of. yes, you will never feel the same in this as you will on the internet. but these things are real. these things feel real when you experience them. does online ever feel real? does online ever breach that wall of artificiality?