this is just the self-absorbed corner. i write what i am going through, very miscellaneous.
shame and embarrassment
i need to do something that makes me respect myself more. I carry an immense amount of shame everywhere i go, feelings of fraudility, how i am one step away of being discovered. i wish to live a certain way, but feel it will not be worth my time if i don't perfect it. why must i feel the need to publish what i work on? why do i need to publish, in search of validation, for me to feel good about what i created? when i have no identity, i rely on others to tell me what i am. when i have no identity, i must publish to tell people how i am doing. growing up watching early stages of youtube morphed my perception into thinking that this belief system is healthy and normal. i was raised looking up to figures who had no identity, and was looking for others to tell them to reflect their image. i have a sneaking suspicion that the shame will dissolve alongside growing a sense of identity. an inverse graph.
9/25 response: all of this shame, all of these feelings of being a fraud, all come from living a life dictated by control. you wish to control how others see you, you wish to control how others feel about you. you wish to be seen smart, so you don't speak up unless you are confident you will be seen as such. you wish to be seen as a natural, so you are afraid of others seeing you go through the learning process of a new skill or hobby. you must always be conscious of how you are seen, because you must always be in control. letting yourself become embarrassed is kicking control off the steering wheel. you must be careful, because the sensations that come with feelings of embarrassment usually allow control to jump right back. allowing you to go out of the comfort zone once, before having to recharge to kick control off again. when embarrassment arise, feel the sensations, take notice in it. feel it come up within you. remind yourself of the objectives of being embarrassed in the first place.
you are trying to get control out the drivers seat, and put yourself in there. control took the wheel because it was determined he knew how to traverse the waters of life the safest. but we have gotten to the point where we see that it is no longer the case. allowing yourself take a spin at the wheel allows you to respect yourself and which way you decide to go. suddenly, you no longer feel the need to keep up with the facade, because the facade was created in a time where you were seeking control. the only thing people will have to discover is myself. and i say these things like it is such an easy thing to do, but it's not. the embarrassment is a deterrant, the self wants to run away when embarrassment shows up. the world is scary and messy, control gives the illusion that everything will be easier if you build a wall around yourself, making sure only the right people enter after a lengthy search process. but control gives you a fake version of yourself, it gives you a store bought, kmart blue light special, of your personality. you become a bland, boring, person. someone you hate and others grow tired of real quick. let yourself get embarrassed, let yourself feel that, and let yourself stay with the rocky waters. control just guides you to the safe, well-known route. nothing new will be discovered as you traverse that route.
some bullshit day in august
being on campus is fun. i need to journal more about what I enjoy so much about it, because there is a particular feeling that I haven't gotten down on words yet. there is still a form of feeling the need to vet out people who are glued to media and consumption, but I'm surprised I've found a few people in my short time here already that share the sentiment. i mean no one is perfect, I consume more than I like still, but it is refreshing to be an environment where I am actively rewarded for getting out, for just going for a walk to a library or the park, to eat and read. I want to be able to consolidate more of my time into doing homework so I don't feel so guilty to actually relax by reading in a field with some snacks or what have you. the nice weather won't last long
the stage i'm at now is just focusing on the environmental factor of my life. i am aware of this faulty environment i've been shaping for years, and i have the extremely fortunate opportunity to shape it completely differently. it won't happen overnight, but going in with a different intention as i enter my new stage of life is going to be a key in getting over this addiction. i've spent so long trying to cut things out, make it harder to access, but my environment has remained consistent all this time. being with myself has never been my strong suit. i live my life in my tiny bedroom, witnessing everything through my distorted window of a screen. when i'm at university, how will i do things differently? it won't happen automatically, i will still have a tiny bedroom at my disposal, i will still have that anxious resistence on anything new i try. things will not change automatically, and i think just reminding myself of putting myself through pain and not constantly seeking pleasure is the only way out.
8/27- this is my first week update. you are doing great. this past week you have pushed yourself out there, joining new groups. but don't let your foot off the gas. going to them was good, now trying to socialize more, strike up more conversations. don't live in your head as much. you have done a good job thus far, but keep going. keep being yourself. you can be anyone in college and no one will hate you for it, so just keep reminding yourself about what you take pride in, what you feel passionate about. keep making yourself uncomfortable. one day, the things that made you uncomfortable last week wont make you uncomfortable today. so seek out the new thing that makes you uncomfortable.
if when you get to campus, overwhelmed, anxious, and imposter syndrome ridden. just remember: you are not there for academics, you are there to network and find your community. academics is just the cost of admittance, and you will need to work on it 100% to stay in the bubble, but don't get down a comparison rabbit hole.
no matter how frequently & deeply i lose myself into the pit of despair, as i repeatedly fall victim to the sirens of the internet. how my thoughts start building up into a congestion cognitive mess with my length of time spent indoors. despite all that, i hope to always be reminded of what is real as i step out each evening to hear the ending chorus of crickets and cicadas accompanied by a fruitful sunset.
was talking with a friend who was fairly sheltered from the internet until around 2013, and it caused a powerful connection for form in my brain. my 14th birthday, late 2013. my, recently divorced, parents bought me an ipod touch for my birthday. that was when it all started. later that night, i was able to call my friend on skype with my ipod. and i remember thinking, wow i can be online anytime i want now. no more offline time to process my emotions. no more offline time to be with myself. it all ended that november night. i finally have a moment to pinpoint where it all started going south.
i hope to grow this website into some type of organized toolbox that i can refer back to. everyone knows the internet/social media sux now, yet i'm still hooked. i have images and thoughts scattered on tumblr, messages on discord. it all feels seperate from one and other, which is the fuel that my brain uses to relapse and dive head first back into the sewage. i hope with this website, i can grow it out and congregate thoughts, photos, references to be used later. all in one neat little package. thats all i can do anyway.
being conscious of a problem is the first step to getting over something, but how long is being conscious of that problem get to the point where the consciousness forms into a whole new problem? that being conscious feels like a way to validate its continued use, a sense of superiority over others, on how at least I am better off than they are.
keeping barrier of entry high prevents mindless use. this has been pretty well known for me, but it is nice to be reminded. i'm using my nokia for the time being, and it's fascinating to see how a desire to do something fizzle so quickly away once i realize that it's not worth the effort to do it. (ex. wanting to send a friend a message of a thought that popped in my head, but it wasn't important enough to muster out on a t-9 keyboard) I don't think the answer is to make everything have a higher barrier of entry, i Just end up getting rid of them eventually, but it's an exercise on how a lot of the things I struggle with are extremely easy to control. a lot of the things I do is because they're easy form of distraction. just being aware of what it is makes it a lot easier to work with and *hopefully* eventually overcome. slowly but surely
i left all the online communities i was apart of today. ( i mean i still have some sort of presence with a tumblr) but i have felt i needed to do it for awhile. i don't know why, I don't think it will solve anything in of itself. but it was some sort of attachment that I knew I had to grow out of. i've grown up with that community. but i feel i need to go. i could see myself growing resentful towards them because I felt i was wasting my time with them. taking my anger for myself onto them. which isn't fair. i always struggled with autonomy, perhaps this is one step into the forward direction.
for so long i've been seeking validation or attention from others. something i haven't been able to give myself. obviously the internet is perfect environment for this maladaptive behavior to flourish. for so long i've been using the internet as a source of that attention, to be assured that yes i am a person. i'm trying to run from loneliness by investing all my time into activities that allow me to feel not alone while being alone, the masturbation cycle of socialization. it's all fake, it doesn't fulfill your needs.