mental dump.

over a month since last posting. i journal a lot still, but it is all in my notebooks or stashed in some word doc. it is true, my continued use of this website was just me holding on for more of an online presense or outlook. i have identified that, which is why i don't feel the need to update as much. i still enjoy this website and working on it. hope to put longer pieces of writing, instead of putting my thoughts and ideas onto it. thats what the journal is for. also this website is butt ugly, hated reading white text on dark green background, so now its black text on cardstock white. still need to learn how to use css

september

18th

i need to do something that makes me respect myself more. I carry an immense amount of shame everywhere i go, feelings of fraudility, how i am one step away of being discovered. i wish to live a certain way, but feel it will not be worth my time if i don't perfect it. why must i feel the need to publish what i work on? why do i need to publish, in search of validation, for me to feel good about what i created? when i have no identity, i rely on others to tell me what i am. when i have no identity, i must publish to tell people how i am doing. growing up watching early stages of youtube morphed my perception into thinking that this belief system is healthy and normal. i was raised looking up to figures who had no identity, and was looking for others to tell them to reflect their image. i have a sneaking suspicion that the shame will dissolve alongside growing a sense of identity. an inverse graph.

13th

to create something more real, to create something that has more weight to it. i've spent a lot of time and energy creating something that is just ideas and thoughts, but lacking the depth i really want. how is this any different from the social media websites i am trying to flock away from?

i don't believe in anything, speaking about me personally. my belief in myself has been sourced in the outside world, largely due to the social media structure feeding that though process. for so long i have felt like pac-man, constantly searching for nuggets of validation or attention to fuel me. if i didn't get any, i would be miserable and self-depricating. i wonder how many other people feel similarly. the antidote is doing what you care about. i have no sense of self, i have not spent time inventing myself. i have been procrastinating it like any other project. but i really need to sit down and work on that. i feel like i have been getting closer at discovering something to spend my time with outside of the internet cycle. finally.

7th

how do you organize digital photos in a way that it doesn't just become a glob lost to the sands of time? i scroll through my phone's photo library and i forget how good some photos i took are. the time removed from the memory has allowed the photo to be polished and when i stumble upon it, makes it that much more special. does the phone's algorithm, in which it forces a memory down my throat, or reminds me that i took this photo a year today offer that same appreciation? i would say no; it is a forced feeling, how so many are often felt.

6th

going camping and being with the real world for an extended period of time, and then returning to a life that revolves around the internet, is like eating actual nutritious food, experiencing all the pleasures that fresh produce gives you, and then returning to your processed food diet. it just feels all much more shallow and depressing, but if you don't do something about changing the way of your life, you will get used to the diet again.

everything is so cluttered, but i kinda anticipated on making this page a mess. need to do some "cleaning" in the sense of making longer writings with these thoughts

as i went out on a camping trip with a bunch of strangers this weekend, it made me realize how shallow my interests are. how little i have to contribute to conversations. i have spent so much time being able to let go of anxiety and force my way into uncomfortable positions, but i have nothing to talk about. i've focused so much on being some form of a people pleaser, that i don't have anything to share about what pleases me. when in a car for 14 hours with strangers, i am at the peril of their conversaiton. it lives and dies with their contributions, i cannot carry it.

4th

how can i prepare for the crisis event. i think i distract myself too much from that idea. i have been seeing the storm clouds brewing for awhile, eventually rain will have to pour out. there is no right answer, there is no one correct way. just do what comes to your mind, or else it will desert you with a hollow footprint in its place.

august

29th

there is nothing more beautiful than seeing someone no longer post online. they have won the game, they no longer are attached to the tokens and lights. they've escaped. so long as i post, i am still apart of the game. there is always that layer of irony when you complain about the game you participate in. but hopefully, with these posts, i can remind myself what i hope to accomplish some day. someday soon, i'll get there.

27th

go outside your comfort zone once a day or perish. going outside your comfort zone burns mental stamina, too much mental stamina and your brain resorts to easy forms of burning that mental stamina. porn, social media, something that gets your brain churning along. if you go out and be uncomfortable, you use up that energy so when you do go back into your bedroom chamber, you feel less of a desire to rot away for a few hours. also you're just not in your chamber as much so you don't get as many opportunities to rot away. the more simple answer is generally the correct one

10th

nothing on the web can be trusted forever. the wayback machine is an amazing workaround (truly is the last greatest thing on the internet) but even that is not guaranteed to last. physical media feels safe. so many articles, blog posts, insight lost in the sands of the internet. does it even matter if our modern day influential writers get drowned out by all the other voices, or lost into the void. our modern leading figures of philosophy do not use the internet solely as their medium.

the internet has gotten worse because all the good contributors went offline. when you first came to the party, there was a ton of cool people and it created a fun atmosphere. but time has passed and you're not feeling the party anymore. the people who were making it a worthwhile party have left. you're no longer having fun, and you want to go home. but you're still here.

8th

constructing a set of rules to follow regarding how i go about consuming internet, specifically with university in mind. but i don't like making it seem like i NEED to follow them, so i'm refering to it as a survival guide. dorky, but doesn't sound as strict.

perhaps this is the loneliest generation. perhaps this generation does lack key social skills. perhaps i do use the internet or other drugs to numb my pain, to distant myself from the cruel reality i face. what is it am i doing to change it? not overall, but for myself.

any resistence you might face when trying to change your lifestyle, the mental discomfort putting yourself out there, the judgement, whatever your brain throws your way for getting against the grain. remind yourself that it is better than further poisoning your brain with internet poisoning, it is all far better than living your life online. you cannot judge anyone for not having an awakening or living out in their awakening. it is a lonely path, but it is necessary. necessary to find your actual community. such is life

4th

when i say i am trying to be disconnected, i really just want to be less connected to the old world. it's the little show that is being performed while the ship is sinking. whatever the new world is, it's not here yet.. so pay attention to the real world instead. pay attention to the natural cycles and patterns that you've gone numb to. focus on paying attention to that

nothing good comes out of being discovered. nothing good comes out of getting more attention. it is purely ego fuel. pen names need to be more common. i guess internet handles started off like that. but then you became identified with your internet handle. thats probably a violation of some internet rule

1st

you have control over your environment. you have control over how you get yourself stuck into the web. my entire environment now (the small room i live life in) feeds into the trap of the internet, like a slide right into the webbing. i have the opportunity when i am moving to university to build an environment where I can remove that slide, limit my ability to fall into the trap. i think i should make a big video, perhaps a movie of some sort, discussing my ways on getting disconnected and removing myself from this webbing of the internet. i don't want to feed into the ego of self-importance, and making a video about MY experience is just that, but a movie i think is a modest amount of spotlight, so long as its good. i keep thinking about the analogy Clay Shirky made in his "A group is it's own Enemy" talk where you want to leave the party, but it's not terrible enough to leave, so you're complicit and you stay. but as soon as one guy grabs his coat to head out, it's a tidal wave and everyone leaves. i'm just gonna grab my coat and leave. idk, maybe it is self-indulgence. at the very least i am going to make a set of rules to follow to help avoid falling into the webbing so easily

i need to make this website more organized, i want it as a place where i don't feel some sort of resistence when i want to contribute to it, cause everything is just loose papers all of the floor now. how to organize journal entries in a more organized manner without it being a burden to click through them... hmm hmm.

julu

30th

we are experiencers, that is all we are. the vanity so many seek, the self-importance social media inflates out of us. we have a desire to crave the validation to exist more in others' minds, but it is a fruitless endevour. at the end of the day, we are experiencers. & in our experiencer life, all we have is our tight-knit community. one's that at our in our immediate proximity. significant others, close friends, neighbors, family. the people you report back to is all that you have in the world. and is there anything more that we need in the world? if you think about it, that immediate proximity is sufficient in our evolutionary needs.

that is a major element young people are deprived of: community. every communal space has been privitized and commercialized. it is so difficult for young people to form or be apart of a community now that we live in the digital era, because so much of it happens online. meetups are coordinated or planned online, the best way to meet people is though online websites or apps. but the people you meet online are much more likely to wish to stay online for a large portion of the time. connection cannot happen through a screen, a physical presence is required. an online community is a means to an end, but you should always be striving for something in person.

the internet is a trap. it is a web that you get stuck into. the more you exist in the trap, the more difficult it is to leave the larvae sack. it is no different than any other trap that modern society has carefully laid out (drugs, gambling, sex/porn.) as such, it is impossible to simaniously live both in the real world and in the online world. the two can not coexist, your mind is either online and is occupied with online thoughts, or is in the real world. the way man is designed to be in. man was not designed to be drunk all the time, or to be in a constant state of hedonism. the internet is no different, is poses the exact same risks as being a drunk (or stoner for that matter. it has become far too normalized)

20th

the brain goes through a transition experience as you go from online world to the real world. as you scroll, consuming information, interacting with others on a digital space, your mind uses all those stimuli and creates a world out of it. as you step outside, your brain realizes the world it was in before has no real applications and is forced to reconfigure. the more time you spend online, the rustier you are with the in-person configuration. I think this is what most people use as a basis of ‘brain rot’ diagnosis. You feel all eyes are on you, your attention (which is so used to being constantly stimulated) is now jumping all around creating a sense of anxiety. It can feel like an antelope in the savannah, which is why so few people are able to sit with that transition. The world is created in a way now that you never have to transition into that real world configuration. I don’t even like saying “real world configuration” because what I’m really referring to is the self. When you transition from the online world into the real world, you are transitioning from the online self into your real self. Our onlineselves are customizable, modified. Our online selves exist more because they are more validated. When we go out to the real world, once we are able to sit with the discomfort of the transition, you are left with comfort. You have a sense of sonder, that (IDK I ran out of fucking stem but I like where this is going. This is good. Work on this)

7/22: its like when you go offline, you are still using your online self to navigate. you still think attention is on you, you actually struggle to have that sense of sonder, and that is the transition you experience when going in person. that's why having the internet with you at all times is so dangerous. it allows the online self to be around all the time. but it isn't our real self. it is just another form of a mask. that is why i'm trying to spend more time with myself. getting comfortable with that transition (it seems to happen no matter what, when i go online that online self emerges) and not giving into the desires to suppress it.

18th

be on the internet long enough, you'll get institutionalized. spend 15 years constantly online, and you struggle to do anything else with your freetime. all attempts at doing something else are short lived. there are strong parallels between prisoners who are released and those who attempt to go offline

16th

i think the biggest hurdle one has to get over when trying to break free from being a social media user is validation. when we exist more online, our existence is less of an afterthought and feels like more of a runway stage. you go into the real world and when you exist too much online, you are constantly searching for eyeballs on you. but you never get them, it serves as a reminder that we are all existing together, that you are no more special than any other human around you. this realization often reinforces the online behavior, seeking reapproval and validation that you not only exist, but are more than other people.

I feel this is a big reason why so many feel the need to be percieved more when they go out. the way they dress, the car they drive, they need more people to percieve them. because the internet taught them that the more people percieve you, the more you exist. it's just the animalistic trait of self-perpetuation being used maladaptively.

counterculture and internet culture cannot coexist

9th

- online dating (as in ones formed through dating apps) is almost always a surefire way to create a superficial relationship. i'm sure it is possible to form a genuine connection, but in my *regretablly* years of experience, it is almost never worth the effort of shit and emotional toll it takes on you, for you to ever get to that point. if it is even possible for you.

this sums up the main reason why i feel that they're destined to fail. online relationships are born out of a fantasy vision you create, all the elements you have at your disposal to create that fantasy are from the refined images and personality traits the other person has chosen to share with you. not to say that a more traditional (irl) way of meeting a partner isn't deprived of all these same things, being let down is apart of getting to know someone. but i feel how far that fall is, between expectations and reality, is much higher when you swipe on them on your phone. on top of all that, everyone on dating apps are using it as a form of distraction. everyone on there would much prefer to have a relationship to be formed through a more traditional way, every user has the conscience to know of the reasons i listed out. but it is easy. it is easy to browse through different fantasies like strolling through aisles of a store. the ability to curb away the perpetual feeling of loneliness from anywhere at anytime. i've come to terms on how that was my reasoning for coming back to them for so long.

6th

the inescapable panopticon of the digital era.

5th

experience mental discomfort or pain → consume digital content as a pacifier → become aware of how i’m wasting time by just consuming and never producing → experience mental discomfort or pain

1st

- it really all comes down to hide away from that inner dark center that we all have. loneliness, it is the greatest pain we face now. we try so hard, to cover it up. build shielding to prevent it from escaping. we must not see it, must be hidden away. pulling different strings, as we are the puppet. the product of escaping the reality. it's like we all discovered nihilism in middle or high school and ever since then, we try our best to convince ourselves otherwise. so rare is it for me to be with myself. being with yourself is what lowers all that shielding. the loneliness has a chance to come out and play. it has the chance to make us spiral, so we avoid it. but it is impossible to outrun. it has tricks, it is a battle you can not win.

- the is a relationship between distraction and addiction. we are not addicted to the devices themselves, or the content it provides. we are addicted to being able to stay in that happy medium. not feeling really bad, or not feeling really great. as alan jacobs stated "we are addicted to one another, to the affirmation of our value - our very being - that comes from other human beings. we are addicted to being validated by our peers."

(the feeling of control and capitalism also has a roll, but that is boring and im too tired/disinterested to think about it further

june

30th

- online communities and friend groups are great an all but they're just another example that it's just an easier alternative to whats actually rewarding. porn is great because you can curb the libido, but it will never be as satisfying or rewarding as real sex. it's better then nothing yes, but you cannot survive off the nutrition-less experience alternative. you must make strides to get real human connection. it's hard, painful, but it is one of the few tasks we are assigned in life.

27th

-The liberalism mindset downplays the monstrosity the internet has become and labels it as pessimism. The forced migration for everything in society to be online, which in turn forces you, the consumer, to be online as well. Today I learned starting in 2024, daily tickets for the train that goes into my local city will be sold exclusively through their mobile app. A few weeks back I went to put change into my parking meter, but I found a sticker covering the coin slot with a QR code to download an app, where I would then pay for my parking meter. Modern vehicles having to be brought into the dealership every year so the cars computer OS can recieve a update. Scan the QR code to see our menu. Cash must be paid in exact change. I only pay for talk and text with my cell provider, I will never pay for cell data again. When I’m out of my house, I am away from the internet. I will not bring it with me everywhere I go. I know it is a worthless fight, the combine will not stop. I just gotta focus on leaving it.

-Why do I have to fucking disable half of the “features” of something before I have to use it how it was intended to. Shouldn’t everything just be a blank slate and I go through a checkbox and hit anything I want to add? It’s like getting an Android phone back in 2015, full of adware and bloatware that you have just inherited, impossible to remove.

-I’m so distraught on how I perform an activity I dislike so much (using the internet mindlessly all day long), while being unable to get rid of it despite my best efforts. There must be some type of suicide net that keeps you stuck in this hedonistic cycle, something that prevents you from hitting rock bottom. I’ve battled addictions with weed and nicotine, and both of those instances were *fairly* easy to kick. It was easy to kick once I started to face physical or physiological side effects of the addiction on me. For cannabis, it was psychosis from prolonged consumption. Once I notice that hey, I’m going insane and pot is the thing that’s causing it, it was insanely easy to kick to the curb. Social media and the internet now has been constructed to deploy a parachute right before you hit rock bottom. Even if you feel like shit for consuming and accomplishing nothing, your mind will still come crawling back for more.